Response Ability

as long as we’re willing to listen, the universe is ready to tell us exactly what we need to hear. turning back to yesterday’s topic, i was at hot yoga yesterday when the instructor said something that struck me like a singing bowl (if you don’t do yoga this reference will make no sense). she said - and i’m paraphrasing here - that we have a responsibility to ourselves to train our bodies and minds not to react, but rather to respond, to the world around us. we have a responsibility to work on our response ability. this is one of those things that is so simple but feels so profound - that when you hear it, something intangible is unlocked and a new mental pathway is created.

i realized that while my path has been jerking me around in multiple directions lately, i should not withdraw, but rather submit to the process of growth and learn to respond to the unpredictable trajectory instead of trying to stiffly react. there is no guidance or visibility on what the next directional input will be, so instead of succumbing to my dizziness and fear of losing my lunch (see yesterday’s post) i am better off enjoying the ride and influencing those things that i can influence along the way.

Tire Swing

when i was a kid, as in like, five, i had this fear of tires swings. i would get anxiety just thinking of hopping on one. what if someone spun me too much and i threw up from the dizziness? what if i flew off and broke an arm or something? it just didn’t feel like the fun was worth the risk to me. i still think there are way better ways to have fun than to hop on a tire swing,

lately, i feel like i’m being flung around from one thing to another with no breaks, and if i’m not careful, i might fly off and break something. less literally in this case, but the analogy works. i’m feeling a bit whiplashed as i move between tasks and obligations and i rarely have a moment to really absorb what the hell is happening.

at the moment i have more that i’d like to be doing than i have time to complete, and somehow i still find myself looking for more to do. the hell is wrong with me?

truth is, i know i can handle it. and this is what i signed up for. if you go back a couple months i’m this blog i’m sure you’ll find a few posts talking about how the hustle is life. and if i’m right about that, then fuck if i’m not living.

Whittling

in the world of photo, it seems like there is a constant stream of gadgets and accessories bombarding us. no matter how much we acquire, there is always some new thing that will take our photo game to the next level. the words “take your photo game to the next level” are used so frequently i think they’ve lost some of their value. but behind that, there is some truth to the fact that cameras and lenses aren’t always enough to produce images of the highest caliber.

there is no doubt that photography is an expensive habit. so my approach has been to whittle away at my list of required accessories one month at a time, keeping an eye on the used equipment inventories at adorama and bhphotovideo for good deals. so far, that approach has paid off big time. all of my light stands are used, and i just scooped up a deal for a 13x13’ backdrop stand kit for less than half price, saving myself about $70 for an excellent-quality item that was in all likelihood used once and returned. add to that the roughly $50 of savings i’ve accumulated through buying used light stands, and about $200 worth of savings on used lenses and this thrifty method starts to show its value. the $320 or so that i’ve saves on other purchases basically amounts to a battery-powered monolight that is one of the final items on my mobile portrait studio requirements list. the final items would be an extra-large diffuser, a snoot, and a pair of light wands, the latter of which are more ‘wants’ than they are ‘needs.’ if i was only shooting portraits, i would be within $500 of spend for my needs and within $600 of acquiring my full list of desired items.

but then, i’m not only s portrait photographer, so that isn’t where it ends for me. for landscapes, i still need nd and polarizer filters at s minimum, and gradient filters would be great to have in the bag as well. i still need a drone, and i could really use some of the same filters for that. and that’s not even getting into the fact that i should really be prepping to get my hands on a 40-megapixel plus mirrorless camera body. sigh.

this right here is exactly why i have to take the approach that i do. wait for a sale or a deal on a used item, and get it when i can. it requires discipline, though, because it’s easy to see a deal on something not on my list and think, “hey, i could use one of those!” the key is knowing what you need, getting only those things, and being extremely discerning about what gets added to that list.

Not Feeling It

another conversation with stock, another memory of reasons i’ve failed before shaken loose.

when i was fresh out of the army, living in seattle and convinced that i was going to be a career musician, touring the worlds most affluent green rooms one by one, i allowed myself to subscribe to so many fallacies that were probably a large part of why that vision never played out like i wanted. one of these fallacies was my conviction that i needed to feel a certain way to perform at my peak. that i could only tap the vein of the universal maple tree and hit syrup if i was in the proper state of chemical alignment. in simple terms, i really only felt the way i thought i had to feel when i was high. when i smoked, i felt everything around me slow, i began to see the patterns, and my always rushing mind was able to focus in on one strand of the blanket of life at a time. i assumed that because i felt the way i did, i would perform better. but looking back, i am convinced that i had it wrong. had i not been so softened by the haze of the pot smoke, maybe i would’ve been able to sharpen my talent and execute on a choreographed plan to bring my dreams to fruition. instead, i allowed myself to feel like i was living that dream already.

i don’t write all this togive the impression that i think i wasted my time. the truth is, i am better for having failed, more complete for having learned the error of my ways thoroughly so that i can consciously not fail in the same way as i pursue my current set of dreams.

the key takeaway from this lesson is that we can’t rely on how we feel as a barometer of how well we will execute on our art. most of the important work tied to success has nothing to do with good vibes and everything to do with meticulous execution of a technique. the last thing you want to do when you’re trying to nail a perfectly focused and crisp image is to be vibrating. my new process, which seems to be working well so far, is to push with all my might toward project completion, and to let the finished job, and the feedback that comes with it, to deliver the feelings that i used to seek in the execution phase. instead of striving for a life of constant positive feeling, i now force myself to earn that upside through my work.

Every Day Photo

it’s pretty wild to think about the fact that just a few months ago, like as in september last year, i was only thinking about getting back into photo in a real way so i could start hooking up some new gear. and the only reason that was happening was because shanima essentially told me that if i wanted photo gear i was going to have to pay for it with photo work. six months later, i’m essentially doing something related to photo every day of the week.

last night i finished the edits of the movie poster i shot with jcut a few weeks ago. it wasn’t too major, but this was a case where i needed time with the images to really get into what i wanted the final product to feel like. there were two photos that i was tossing around in my mind, the first a tighter crop at a higher iso setting (6400) and the second at a lower iso (2000). in the end, jcut and his crew decided they liked the right crop better, and i agreed with them. it had a better overall feel to it. i put the photo from below with a softbox, giving it a dramatic effect, and the final product ended up having a sort of film quality to it that i think fits the feel that this image needs. i delivered three different edits for him to choose from, and he chose the third, which was color graded with a vintage feel that i also thought was the best of the bunch for this particular image. i was inspired by footage of the twin towers from movies made pre-9/11, before the digital age took over.

the challenge now is that he wants to print the poster in 16x20, which is a 4x5 aspect ratio, whereas the photo is currently in 2:3 aspect ratio. i may need to shrink the image somewhat in photoshop to make it useable. my options are to either make micro squishes to the top section of the photo to smush it down into the proper frame or to add width by stretching out the side of the image. it will probably require a combination of both. i just hope the edits don’t look fine on screen and then not so fine in print. i guess we’ll find out soon enough. of course the third option is to convince him that 11x17 is the preferred format for this poster…then i would only have to make the slightest of adjustments to make it fit the page.

Accountability

a conversation yesterday knocked loose an idea that has been on my mind at various times throughout the past few years, and it’s one that is so fundamental; without it, everything else falls apart and loses all value.

accountability.

i was reminded of a conversation i had with a friend a year or two ago. the friend had told me that her dream was to become a tour manager for musicians because she loves music, loves the scene, and wants to help artists so they can focus on their art. at the time, i told her that if she wants to be a tour manager, then she needs to be a damn good accountant, because without bridget accountability, bands end a tour with nothing in their pockets and only good memories to show for it.

this all came to mind yesterday when i was helping on a shoot with stock.henry for an event planner who said that the event planner game is getting really saturated. she said that essentially a lot of people are taking the mindset that they love planning parties, so they are trying to turn that thing they enjoy into a business. that is when i told this story because the truth is i think it applies to all forms of entrepreneurship and freelance. there are literally millions of people who think everyday about how great it would be to break free of the cycle and strike out on their own doing something they truly love. and in none of those fantasies does anyone include balancing bank accounts and filing taxes as part of the montage even though it is probably in the top five most important aspects of being a freelancer or entrepreneur.

from a higher level, this concept applies across the spectrum. it’s fun to talk about an idea. it’s fun to get out and shoot photos or video and be in the moment. it’s not fun to comb the internet and send out hundreds of pitches to potential clients, though. it’s not fun to prepare and send them an invoice, and to build a database. and it’s not always fun to plan the nuanced logistics that go into a sophisticated photo shoot or production. and it’s not always fun to talk your clients through the process, answering their questions as they arise. and it’s not fun to balance the books after a shoot and realize how much money you still need to make in order to make ends meet. but all of this is critical to rising above the wanna-be professional hobbyists that are crowding the market. when it comes down to it, you have to ask yourself: are you willing to do whatever it takes to be a true pro? full disclosure, it’s a question i have to ask myself frequently in order to stay on track.

Under My Umber-ella

sometimes my vanity can get the best of me. for so long i’ve dismissed umbrellas as a diffuser for my photography because they remind me of school picture day. gross. i never wanted to take photos that remotely resemble the photos i suffered through my whole life, and i was convinced that softboxes and beauty dishes are the only tools worthy of my kit. i was a fool.

yesterday i went to adorama convinced that i was about to bring home a 60” collapsible beauty dish because i was under the impression that with that and my speedlights i could take full-body portraits with my subjects lit evenly and beautifully head to toe. wrong. so glad i went to the store instead of just buying online blindly because i would’ve made an expensive mistake.

as it turns out, speedlights have a 50 watt-second power rating. in order to fill a diffuser of that size, the lighting expert there (i can’t remember her name but she’s awesome and not afraid to be completely honest). so she told me that look, if you want to use a 42” or 60” beauty dish or softbox, you’re going to need a mono light. they have one that runs for $325 and there is an equivalent unit on amazon for $300. so if i wanted that beauty dish, it was going to cost me minimum about $425 including tax. nope. i’m not ready to drop that kind of money on one light.

then she told me that if i really needed a good light spread, then i should probably just get an umbrella. i cringed a bit until i saw that they had a 40” for $15, and that for another $25 i could get a heavy-duty umbrella mount for my light stand. they had a cheaper one made of plastic, but some things are worth upgrading, so for $40 or $1/inch, i walked out with a new toy.

today i used it for the first time, and got to test it on two different photo shoots. for both, it was exactly what i needed and the quality of light was really fantastic. sure i will be doing some tweaks in lightroom but even out of camera it was really killing it.

the best part is that it is small enough to slide into my light stand carrying bag, so now i can roll with an even smaller two-light setup. with my lowepro bp30 (which is ridiculously small and was super cheap at bhphotovideo) and my flashpoint air-cushioned 9’ light stand, i’m fully loaded. even though my neweer 24x24” softbox packs up super small, it’s still too big to fit in my compact bag, and i really don’t enjoy rolling through to the city with that one because it’s very conspicuous. for that reason? i’ve avoided bringing it for my lunchtime photo sessions even though there were times a nice flash setup would’ve done me good.

the lesson is this: don’t be vain. don’t get tricked into buying the most expensive thing just because it will look cooler to use because no one will see your fancy softbox in your photos.

Burning is Learning

sometimes we try something and it doesn’t work. we try pulling a pan out of the oven and that shit burns out hands because it’s hot as hell. so we learn to wear oven mits. ok, you’re like, why the fuck is that something you even need to learn in the first place? and my response is this: first of all, this is a metaphor so don’t be an asshole. but more to the point, it is one thing to know how something should be done intellectually, and it is another to have a poignant sensory memory ties to what happens if something is done wrong. maybe this is why some people think that the only true learning comes through violence.

why am i even talking about this? a few months ago, shanima and i went to iceland for four days, and as we were planning the trip, i came up with a concept to produce a travel video. i mapped out all of the sites we would visit, came up with a narrative structure, and even stroyboarded the whole thing out. when we were there, i took a ton of b-roll footage, but there are a few things i failed to capture. for one, i didn’t do any talking to the camera. for another, i think my b roll is a bit flat, as in, i didn’t vary between short, medium and long shots enough. i might be totally wrong about that since i haven’t really arranged all the footage, but i’ve been reticent to even atart working through the footage because i am afraid that it will he found wanting.

the rub is, i still want to make travel videos. i love good video content and i want to be able to create it myself. i know intellectually how to accomplish this, but i’ve never reached into the oven, so to speak. i mean, yes, i’ve produced video content for private clients before. twice. i recorded video for two birthday parties, and from what i could tell, the clients were happy with what i ended up delivering. but for some reason i feel like this is different. and in some ways it is. maybe i need to go back and watch some of my old content to see what i did before and use that as a launchpad for doing something more impressive.

with everything else on my plate, i don’t know how i’m going to manage this, but i feel like i can’t wait any longer. like i need this to be completed before i can move on. i need to surgically remove this blockage from my to-do list, and surgery is rarely convenient. let’s hope by the end of this i learn how not to grab the pan.

Case in Point

yesterday’s daily post could be summed up in seven words: don’t knock it until you try it. stock linked me to a chris hau video the other day that is premised around the idea that as a photographer you can quickly and easily make $500 in a single day by sending out a facebook post inviting people to meet you at a given time and location for headshots. i told stock that this seems like the type of thing that maybe someone else could do, but not me. who would care if i put out a post about headshots on facebook? what if no one books and i look like an ass? i didn’t want to try it.

so after a voice note slap back from stock reminding me that i don’t know how well it will work if i don’t try, and that someone like chris hau probably knows a lot more what he’s talking about than i do. the funny thing is, even before he sent that message, i had realized there was an opportunity for me to do something like this, and i even have a location to do it from.

i reached out to a friend that i met while working as a local news editor in brooklyn who owns a dance studio in greenpoint. a few months ago, she invited me to join a private group on facebook for creatives and business owners in her network. out of that group, she created an event that ended up being a success. it dawned on me that i hadn’t really contributed to this group at all, and that chris hau’s idea could be a great way for me to engage. so i did what i had told myself wouldn’t work for me a few hours before this realization: i sent a facebook message.

today, she got back to me positively and asked if i want to grab coffee on sunday. badabing.

even as i’m writing this i realize that there is a huge group of creatives who are always in need of headshots that i’m connected to through my event photography work, and that once i get the kinks worked out with this group, they will be my next target market.

with these two groups, even if only 10 people sign up for headshots, i can earn almost $1,000. in two days. of course all of this is hypothetical but three days like this and i already bought my next camera. which despite my canon fanboyism will probably be a sony a7r ii with a sigma mc-11 ef lens adapter. small, light, and 47.2 megapixels, so perfect for landscapes and portraits. that should tide me over until canon finally releases a truly pro-level mirrorless with in-body image stabilization.

the point is, if i want to afford the new toys i have on my wish list, this is what i need to do. this and a whole lot more. i think it’s time to reassess, because now i’m starting to wonder: what possibilities am i not pursuing because they didn’t seem plausible?

Limit Less

i started the day with a voice note to stock and basically was talking through reasons why a lot of what i could be doing to make money won’t work for me because of the limitations of my own situation. a little bit ago, he replied that maybe i needed to pull my head out of my ass and realize that there are no limits to what i can do in any situation. ok maybe i’m extrapolating. we hear what we want to hear, or in this case what we need to hear.

i came up with a plan to do one of the things i thought i couldn’t do and i put out feelers to try and accomplish that thing. i may have been a bit overzealous about it, but i can refine my approach as i go. the important point is that i fucking made a move to do something new that could grow my client base and my revenue without a ton of output or time. and now that i got started with that i will try again and again. until i exhaust all options or until it works. and then i’ll try to make it work again.

the lesson of the day is that while we do have our limits, and we need to make sure we don’t overextend ourselves, we need to be careful not to limit ourselves from new opportunities.

No Such Thing As Free Time

it’s march 5, and in less than four months, shanima and i are boarding a plane for an epic journey across southeast asia. that is not a lot of time to get my shit together. i have to start applying for jobs post-travel right about now. i need to push myself to earn as much as humanly possible through my photography to help boost my income now in order to invest further into my kit and pay it forward on some bills i will rack up while i am on the road. and i need to continue working on my fiction project so that i can (hopefully) complete a first draft before we leave. or at least get damn close.

as it stands, i am going to have at a minimum of a month and a half with no income (and i am calculating that it will be two months just to play it safe), which means that i am going to have to pay it forward on two months worth of bills. that’s about $3,000 in case you were wondering. so that means that i’m going to have to bump up my monthly allocation to the joint checking account that we use to pay bills for the two months ahead of our trip. here i was thinking i was going to just buy a new camera and a drone and be able to pay them off before we go, and unless i add a couple racks to my pocket between now and then, that ain’t happening. well, the drone is happening. but the camera sure isn’t.

so, as if i haven’t been busy enough lately, shanima and i talked and she’s lifting the limit on the amount of photography work i can do before the trip to help make up the difference. she sees the importance of the hustle in this case, and i appreciate that about her. it’s going to be a struggle, and i’m going to have zero room for error, but i know i can get it done.

making things interesting, my regular weekly client is adjusting her business strategy, so one of my regular income streams just dried up. truth be told, it is probably for the best because things are getting crazy busy at work and i can’t really commit to meet people during my lunch breaks as freely as i was able to up until mid-february. i am really happy to have worked with her as long as i did, and we are definitely working together in the future, but under a different arrangement. i look forward to that.

the good news is i still have my monthly event photography gig with video consortium, which isn’t a huge payday but is most importantly a rewarding experience and definitely helps to keep the money flowing. i also have a multi-faceted project working on fashion photos for a boutique brand, and at least one individual lifestyle session booked later this month. i also have another event photo gig this month and have been putting out major feelers on thumbtack again to try and fill in the cracks. and fingers crossed, i just sent someone a high-value quote for a wedding that would definitely put me on the right path.

looking further ahead, i have an engagement photo session in april and a small wedding ceremony in june already booked, and those will be a major boon. all in all, i have about $1,500 in bookings on the calendar, so really halfway there on making up the difference. and i’m really only about five good gigs away from shoring that up. i am fairly certain i can close at least five sales in the time i have, and i am going to be responding to anything and everything that is within my power from now on to make that happen.

who knows? maybe i can have it all. but it’s going to cost me.

Slippage

stock hit me up with a message yesterday saying that we need to bring back the daily blog. at first i was like, bro, i have been doing the daily blog where you at? and then i looked through my posts and realized that i have been slippin. i was in good form until about mid-february when i started posting about every four days. now granted, the reason i slowed down was to make room for completing the first three chapters of the distant future story, but that is in the bag and the excuse is gone. so why am i still on this every three to five day schedule? and how did i not even realize i’ve been missing days? i should say that i consciously skipped posting this weekend because frankly i was too damn busy. but from the 20th onward there is really no reason i shouldn’t have been posting every day.

it really comes down to this: other priorities are taking precedence over this blog, and i need to recenter. the daily is where i track progress, and when we’re not tracking our progress the chances are that we aren’t making as much as we need to be. that’s not to say i haven’t been absolutely slammed with work lately. my office gig has got me pushing with every ounce lately and i’ve been putting in even longer hours than normal to get on the right footing for what comes next. in photo world, i have been working every couple of days on various projects and i still have deep edits in the pipeline—in fact, i really need to crush that work out in the next couple of days or it’s going to get out of hand. meanwhile shanima and i are planning for two major trips that will take us to 11 countries this year, and we are hitting logistical snags at every step. truth is, i need to start chronicling these challenges because the lessons.we are learning really useful and probably have potential for some monetization. in fact, i should probably start vlogging and blogging about that. if only there were more time in the day.

so let’s get to the realness. i am not going to sit here and proclaim that i will absolutely do this or that. i am not going to guarantee that i will post here every day, but i am going to recommit to making it a priority. stock suggested that we should be posting every day even if it is just to say “hard day, no time.” i agree with the sentiment there but truth be told, if i’m really having a hard day, it generally means that i don’t even have time for that. i know that sounds absurd, but it is what it is. consider that i didn’t even get up from my desk today at all from the time i sat down until 4:15 pm when i finally had time to pee and grab a snack. once that was over i was back in the saddle on phones and pushing complex content again until i stepped out just after 6pm. i’m only now completing a post i started this morning. one of the consequences of my work being so engaging right now is that it requires all of the focus and intellect i possess. most of the shit i write about all day makes even the most intelligent people i know glaze over when i start to dive in full steam. between that, trying to work on finding what is next after the big trip, working on photos, refining the itinerary for our upcoming travel, being a good husband and human being, and chipping away at my fiction project, there is sometimes so little room for that extra ounce that is the blog. and none of these items are able to be pushed back because there is no time tomorrow for things that should’ve been done today.

all of that is why as much as i love this blog, sometimes i have to make executive decisions not to post. so what is the verdict? i think i come to this: i can accept not posting if and only if it is for a valid reason, which is that i am too thoroughly engaged in productive tasks to turn attention to this page. but i will not accept not posting because i don’t feel like it. and as much as i see the merit in posting every day even if it’s just to check in, there are probably going to be times that isn’t possible.

at the end of all of this, i’m still not convinced about my own stance and it remains malleable. what i will day is this, come hell or high water, i will do my absolute damndest to post every day. because the truth is, i look forward to this outlet and i fee incomplete without it.

I Don’t Wanna

yesterday, i could have posted. i had plenty of time on my commute to work and on my late-night commute home. but the truth is, i didn’t wanna do it. on the morning train, i was really feeling the drag from the early mornings and late nights this week, so after staring blankly at my screen for a few minutes, i gave it a rest and got some shut eye. i should probably mention that i started work at home at about 6:30 a.m. yesterday and my morning commute was actually at about 1 p.m. and i should mention that about halfway through my ride in, i had to hop out onto the cold and breezy train platform to take a call for work that lasted about an hour before getting back in transit. after an hour of note taking, my hands were frozen and not much in the mood for a blog post.

after work yesterday, i headed to the monthly video consortium gathering to capture event photos for them, and i didn’t get out of there until 10:30 p.m. needless to say, i was pretty exhausted and it didn’t take long for me to pass out hard on the train ride home. given the circumstances, i really don’t feel like a missed post in this case is anything to be upset about. all the same, i don’t like that i missed a day of writing about life and whatever else is on my mind.

the truth is, for a long time i’ve felt really out of place in my job. my boss has been down on me for my lack of productivity, and it makes me not like it even more. but over the past two weeks, things have taken a turn. i have been killing it and everyone is noticing. my boss is joking with me and on good terms, and generally it’s become a super positive place to be again. the consequence of that is that my job is soaking up a lot of my attention. i have calls and emails and text messages running back and forth at all hours of the day, night and weekend. and my capacity to get lost in my own little world of photo and fiction is limited.

the funny thing is, i don’t know how i should feel about that. like, should i be happy that as it turns out i’m actually really good at my job, and that i don’t really need to be looking for some alternative? or should i be bummed about the fact that my job is starting to encroach more and more on my personal time and therefore limiting my ability to produce the creative content that i enjoy making in my own time? short answer, i don’t know. but truth is, i feel both sides of this equally.

part of me wonders whether i am really making the right move leaving journalism behind, but another part of me knows that i need to be ahead of the curve on this, and that it’s better to leave when i am being a great contributor than when i am distracted and i am waking out the door with my tail between my legs. but another part of me wonders whether there might still be a future in journalism for me.

i know the time is coming soon for me to make a choice, but if i’m being honest with myself, i don’t wanna.

Back On Track

it wasn’t ideal, but i made a judgment call this week to put a hold on the daily blog while i turned all of my creative writing efforts toward completing the first draft of the opening three chapters of my fiction project. my deadline for delivery was saturday night, and i am happy to say that i did complete the first three chapters before midnight. i didn’t, however, deliver those chapters to stock.henry before calling it a night as i had originally planned to. the reason was that the final section of the third chapter was weak, and i needed to sleep on it. this morning, i woke up and flowed right through that section, bringing it to heel so that it ended up just where i wanted it to be.

some things that i am realizing now are that 1) dialogue is my strength, and i use that as my number one means of moving the story forward; 2) i tended to shy away from going too deep in my descriptions of people, places and things while i was working on my first draft of these chapters, so i’m going to have to comb through them carefully to find the right moments to add in those details without interrupting the flow or changing the trajectory of the story i’ve already written; and, 3) i can’t wait to continue writing this story. the good news is, i don’t really need to do any more research to keep going with the next three-chapter segment, and i have a good feeling with the direction this book is taking. there is one character that i need to integrate into the social dynamic a bit more cohesively, and i need to flesh out a convo that leads my characters to where they end up at the close of the third chapter, but the most important thing for me at this point was getting them somewhere interesting so that the main story arc can continue to move ahead without getting stuck in the details.

so now what? i think from here on out i need to try to push out one chapter per week, or some equivalent amount of work. at the moment i can work with the characters i already have and continue pushing ahead with the storyline, but soon i’ll need new people to come in and join the fray. i’ll also need to step back at some point and really lay out the capital city and other settings as they become relevant. so yeah, a chapter per week, barring any other scaffolding work.

ok this isn’t my fiction blog, so i should probably leave myself something to talk about over there. yesterday i did a photo shoot for a fashion brand that a friend of mine is part of, and all in all it went pretty well. i will say that 90% of the time was spent waiting for her to get prepped, and as a result, we really missed the light that i was going for. part of the issue was that there was a thick blanket of clouds in the sky, which really cut into the already weak winter light. a thin layer of clouds can be a good thing for giving off soft diffused light, but yesterday’s cloud cover was more than i prefer.

ill have to do a full after-action review on this one, because we definitely had a mix of things gone right and wrong. but as always, i’m pretty certain we got some great photos, and that’s the most important thing.

Crunch Time

i missed another fiction post yesterday, and there was really no need for it. i could have posted what i have so far and updated it today, but i have this hang up with half-done shit that is irrational since the point isn’t to be done, but to show my work and progress in real time. i am letting myself down by not posting on schedule, and if anyone is paying attention, it shows that i’m not able to meet even my own simple deadlines. not a good look.

mom all fairness, life is insane and i feel a bit like i’m not in control of my own time lately. i’m busier than i’ve been in a long time at work as a result of some new developments with a situation i’ve been following for the past year and a half, and it seems like every day there is something that is keeping me away from the keyboard. first off, shanima is starting work an hour later than usual this week because the school she works at is closed for a winter break, so i don’t have a full 45 minutes of dedicated writing time in the mornings, and i’ve been continuing my job work on the train in the afternoon, so that time is out the window, too. i try to write in bed at night before drifting off to sleep, but that is not a very productive time for me so it’s not a good fallback time. and i don’t have the luxury of just staying up late and powering through while i have the job i do, because it requires me to be in top form every day.

meanwhile, much of my creative energy is being absorbed by photography work, with three separate gigs this week that each present a significant creative challenge. this may be the worst week ever for me to try and tackle the next chapter and a half of my book so that i can meet my hard deadline of saturday delivery, but it’s only wednesday and there is still a lot of week left (and truth be told, not much writing that needs to be done). and as one of my favorite fitness youtubers always says, “if it was easy, everybody would.” obviously his version ends with “everybody would be fit,” but in this case, i can trade that out for “everybody would write a novel.” maybe that’s a bit of a stretch, but you get the point.

note: apparently this didn’t publish yesterday even though that is when i wrote it. so yeah, back-dating this to the 20th because fuck you internet you don’t tell me what time it is.

The Engagement Shoot

it’s been a while since i’ve written about photo, and that isn’t because i haven’t been working, but rather because i just haven’t had time. so today i’m going to feed two birds with one post. i’m on the train right now heading to liberty state park in new jersey where i’m going to take some engagement photos for a couple of great friends. it’s my first engagement shoot ever, and i’m pretty excited for it, since i’ve only work with couples a couple of times and it will add some variety to my workload.

there are so many great locations for photos at liberty state park that i can’t help but wonder if the whole place wasn’t designed with engagement photos in mind. you have the manhattan skyline as a backdrop along the waterfront, viewfinders, a brick pathway, the iconic and unbelievably photogenic 9/11 memorial, an old brick depot, an out-of-service train car, train tracks, a beautiful train platform, and some rugged wooden bridge works to experiment with. you literally don’t need to go anywhere else for a photo shoot.

its a bit crisp today, but we were blessed with blue skies, and if all goes well, we will have a killer sunset to work with. i couldn’t ask for better conditions, other than a bit more warmth, but i feel like kind of a dick wishing it was warmer in february what with climate change and all.

it will be interesting working with this couple since they don’t spend much time in front of the camera. so really my only job will be to stay relaxed, keep it lighthearted, and keep hem comfortable so we can get just a few images that show the real magic of their connection.

i have a few mental exercises that i can help them go through and we’ll see how those work. fingers crossed, here we go!

Entropy

do you ever get that feeling that you’re just too damn busy? you don’t remember when it started, but you know there was a point not that long ago that your agenda was manageable and it no longer is?

i’m at that point now that i am realizing how little wiggle room i have in my life. how dependent i am on the precious subway time i have to do my personal writing. last night i was in late shift and i ended up missing my fiction post for the day because i just had no time to do it. and i don’t mean that i had time but i squandered it. i literally had zero free minutes yesterday.

on the ride in to work, after i finished my daily post, i was working on some retouches for some photos i shot a week and a half ago that i’d planned to work on this weekend, but was unable to because a trip upstate to pay respects to an important person in my life took a few more hours than planned. and then it was work like a dog until 8:30pm when i signed off and jumped a cab home. on the ride home, i talked through the logistics of an engagement shoot that i am doing on sunday, which pretty much took the whole ride to finish. it was a great call and i’m really excited for this shoot, my first engagement shoot for some very special people in mine and shanima’s life.

then, when i got home; shanima needed to vent some frustrations and talk through some things so that she can approach a touchy work situation with a clear head. and finally, i worked on a cover letter for a job i’d like to apply for at a non-profit. i didn’t even finish the cover letter because i was too creatively exhausted and wasn’t able to make any sense; so i put it down with the intent to pick it up this morning.

that didn’t happen because i still had some retouches to do on the sarah taylor portraits that needed to be done today so she can use them for her marketing. and now i’m here on the train, running about 15-20 minutes late for work and counting since this fucking subway is moving at about quarter speed while the conductor thanks me for patience i literally do not have.

it’s going to be another slog today, with a full load of calls to make, stories to work on at work, a photo shoot on the lunch break, and a court hearing to listen in to in the afternoon. but at least i can look forward to dinner and a movie at the in-laws tonight.

One Quarter

i think it’s a good time for me to take a beat and a breathe. i passed a milestone yesterday that was essentially the last specific reason to hold on to my current employment situation, and it turned out as well as could be expected. my company was bought out by private equity last year, and so of course there was some belt tightening in the realm of pay raises and bonuses, but in general, i am grateful to work in a place that gives raises and bonuses at all. i don’t want my view of money to become so skewed by my small measure of success to the point that i undervalue the money that i’m given to do what i do. in fact, i think i need to appreciate it more, because there are so many people who will never reach the bar that i’ve jumped over.

i’ve updated my resume and put together a few cover letter templates, and i’ve even sent some out. no word back, yet, but that is to be expected since i’m applying for jobs that would represent a transition into a different side of the communications world than i’ve previously tread. first, i’m casting my net at those fish i’d most like to catch while i still have meat in the freezer. when that starts running thin, i’ll adjust my casting.

speaking of casting, last night i made some breakthroughs in that department on my fiction project. i was finally able to come up with some templates for the most important characters at the start of the story. truth be told, i have a massive list of roles left to fill, but i’m on the path and the destination is edging closer.

in the photo department, things have stalled. i have some edits to finish but photoshop is being finicky and i need to figure out why my skin editing template isn’t functioning properly now. i am sure there is some simple step that i’m skipping, but i haven’t had time to figure out what it is. that will have to be taken care of tonight so i can deliver the final edits in time for them to be useful.

in the meantime, i’ll continue to slog it out at work, comfortable in the knowledge that i have at most one more quarter of this job to do before it’s time to move on to whatever comes next.

Behind Schedule

i really overestimated my ability to not sleep the whole way back from upstate last night, and now i’m behind schedule on my fiction project. i started writing a scene last night and it just came out like garbledigook so i put the ipad away and decided that i would do what i really need to get done and start working on my character casting. i totally blanked. how is it that i was unable to think of one movie or television character that i wanted to use as a baseline for elias in my story? or for any other character roles i’ve identified for that matter? it’s so bizarre. i am not going to let this roadblock stop me but damned if i’m not slowed by it. today in my spare moments at work, i will be thinking about character casting and see if i can’t at least fill the roles that need to be filled in order to move the story past chapter two. one bite at a time.

i’m also behind schedule on delivering some retouches to suswana from our most recent photo shoot, which is probably fine with her but not great for me because it means i have one more thing to take care of on a weeknight tonight would be ideal, before i head to the gym. if i can even get two of the images done, that will be a good night, though i am pretty sure once i get started it will be pretty quick

if i had been home all weekend, i would be down on myself for my lack of progress, but yesterday i spent the day upstate with camille, who was much in need of buddy time. we went to a panel discussion about hate and intolerance that included some pretty interesting speakers, and i snapped some photos to send to the organizers as a favor to help camille out since she is likely going to need support from the group ladies in the coming months. from there, we tread some old roads and eventually made our way to her dad and mom’s final resting place. it was really tough for her to talk about, and i could tell she was in no rush to go over there, so we didn’t make it until about a half hour before i had to get on the train, but it was enough time for me to let pops know i was there.

so yeah, i fell off the wagon a bit when it comes to my daily writing, and i have a backlog of photos to work through now. but i think under the circumstances, i’m at peace with that. i’ll continue forward at the same pace i would if i hadn’t skipped a blog post saturday or a fiction post friday. as if i hadn’t written less photo posts that i should be writing last week. because it’s important for us to pay respect to others, and sometimes that means putting ourselves aside.

The Long Ride Home

i mentioned the other day that i had some personal issues to deal with this weekend. so as it turns out, one of my best friends and i haven’t talked since the fall. back in september, her dad passed away, and he was somebody who really made an impact on me. his name was joe o’brien, but everybody called him pops. he was a retired new york city fireman, an old irish guy who had the biggest heart in the world.

back in college, i used to head upstate to middletown and crash at the o’brien place every couple months, and pops was always there and ready to have a good talk about anything and everything. he really was a great person to be around.

since i missed out on being at his funeral and my friend camille and i really needed to catch up, she crashed at our place last night? and then we headed upstate to have a day to pay respects and visit his final resting place, joining his wife who’d gone on before him about 16 years ago. to be honest it was a pretty heavy day and it was tough to go through with it, but i’m glad i made the trip.

now i’m on the train from port jervis to the city and still have to take the subway home from penn station. i probably won’t get home until 12-1am tonight but it’s worth it, i think.

i didn’t post a fiction blog post on friday, and i was planning on doing some writing on the way home, so we will see how that goes. i’m honestly pretty drained from the day and want to do some thinking before i dive in. i’m going to have to make up that missed post from friday this week, and i’ve got a lot of work to do, but the next step is casting, and i really need to make sure i’m populating this town with the right people. the hometown crowd is going to be so essential to the roots of this story, so i can’t let the people be shallow.

i’ve made a couple of casting choices, but still have a long list of roles to fill. one thing i do know is that i want pops to make an appearance in this book, just a way to pay him some homage. the hard part will be giving him some good company.