yesterday, i could have posted. i had plenty of time on my commute to work and on my late-night commute home. but the truth is, i didn’t wanna do it. on the morning train, i was really feeling the drag from the early mornings and late nights this week, so after staring blankly at my screen for a few minutes, i gave it a rest and got some shut eye. i should probably mention that i started work at home at about 6:30 a.m. yesterday and my morning commute was actually at about 1 p.m. and i should mention that about halfway through my ride in, i had to hop out onto the cold and breezy train platform to take a call for work that lasted about an hour before getting back in transit. after an hour of note taking, my hands were frozen and not much in the mood for a blog post.
after work yesterday, i headed to the monthly video consortium gathering to capture event photos for them, and i didn’t get out of there until 10:30 p.m. needless to say, i was pretty exhausted and it didn’t take long for me to pass out hard on the train ride home. given the circumstances, i really don’t feel like a missed post in this case is anything to be upset about. all the same, i don’t like that i missed a day of writing about life and whatever else is on my mind.
the truth is, for a long time i’ve felt really out of place in my job. my boss has been down on me for my lack of productivity, and it makes me not like it even more. but over the past two weeks, things have taken a turn. i have been killing it and everyone is noticing. my boss is joking with me and on good terms, and generally it’s become a super positive place to be again. the consequence of that is that my job is soaking up a lot of my attention. i have calls and emails and text messages running back and forth at all hours of the day, night and weekend. and my capacity to get lost in my own little world of photo and fiction is limited.
the funny thing is, i don’t know how i should feel about that. like, should i be happy that as it turns out i’m actually really good at my job, and that i don’t really need to be looking for some alternative? or should i be bummed about the fact that my job is starting to encroach more and more on my personal time and therefore limiting my ability to produce the creative content that i enjoy making in my own time? short answer, i don’t know. but truth is, i feel both sides of this equally.
part of me wonders whether i am really making the right move leaving journalism behind, but another part of me knows that i need to be ahead of the curve on this, and that it’s better to leave when i am being a great contributor than when i am distracted and i am waking out the door with my tail between my legs. but another part of me wonders whether there might still be a future in journalism for me.
i know the time is coming soon for me to make a choice, but if i’m being honest with myself, i don’t wanna.