another conversation with stock, another memory of reasons i’ve failed before shaken loose.
when i was fresh out of the army, living in seattle and convinced that i was going to be a career musician, touring the worlds most affluent green rooms one by one, i allowed myself to subscribe to so many fallacies that were probably a large part of why that vision never played out like i wanted. one of these fallacies was my conviction that i needed to feel a certain way to perform at my peak. that i could only tap the vein of the universal maple tree and hit syrup if i was in the proper state of chemical alignment. in simple terms, i really only felt the way i thought i had to feel when i was high. when i smoked, i felt everything around me slow, i began to see the patterns, and my always rushing mind was able to focus in on one strand of the blanket of life at a time. i assumed that because i felt the way i did, i would perform better. but looking back, i am convinced that i had it wrong. had i not been so softened by the haze of the pot smoke, maybe i would’ve been able to sharpen my talent and execute on a choreographed plan to bring my dreams to fruition. instead, i allowed myself to feel like i was living that dream already.
i don’t write all this togive the impression that i think i wasted my time. the truth is, i am better for having failed, more complete for having learned the error of my ways thoroughly so that i can consciously not fail in the same way as i pursue my current set of dreams.
the key takeaway from this lesson is that we can’t rely on how we feel as a barometer of how well we will execute on our art. most of the important work tied to success has nothing to do with good vibes and everything to do with meticulous execution of a technique. the last thing you want to do when you’re trying to nail a perfectly focused and crisp image is to be vibrating. my new process, which seems to be working well so far, is to push with all my might toward project completion, and to let the finished job, and the feedback that comes with it, to deliver the feelings that i used to seek in the execution phase. instead of striving for a life of constant positive feeling, i now force myself to earn that upside through my work.