it seems like i am constantly in motion lately, with barely a breathe between one activity and another. occasionally, i start to feel like it’s a bit overwhelming, and that has a tendency to trigger a whole sequence of messages in my mind, all of which amount to some form of justification for why i should let myself step back and cool off for a bit. like a smoke break without the cigarette.
my aim right now is to listen to those messages, but not to let them be in charge. i don’t have to obey them.
my practice now is to remind myself that everything i am doing - even the job i really don’t care for - has a purpose, and is part of a bigger plan to bring me to the next tier in life. my job pays the bills and affords me the ability to save money, and the thought of being able to use that savings toward purchasing a home next year brings me joy. my photography brings me joy. my fiction writing brings me joy. and planning for upcoming travel brings me joy. even searching for a new job and submitting applications brings me joy. my pursuit of physical fitness brings me joy. and most of all, my time with shanima brings me joy. just as importantly, the lack of any of these activities in my life would detract from my overall sense of fulfillment and joy. and no, i haven’t watched the marie kondo show on netflix but we’ve all seen the memes.
i have friends around the city who ask me when we’re going to have time to hang out, and i always feel bad about basically having to tell them that i don’t have time. i used to be so relaxed and free, and i would drop anything to hang with a friend or help them out. because of my life choices, i no longer have that luxury. i do miss it, being the go-to guy. always smiling, cracking jokes and supplying a much-needed dose of rowdiness to the world around me. but i’ve made my choices. they’ve brought me to where i am, and i stand by them. not for too long, though. i don’t have time to just be standing around.